If you feel like you’ve seen her before, it will be because you’ve seen her before.
I’m not the superstitious type. Well I am like the non-superstitious, superstitious type. I’ll walk on three drains. I’ll do it. But I’ll be thinking “..ooh perhaps I shouldn’t have done that”. I will look at the time, it’s 11:11 – what could it mean?! Absolutely nothing. But I shall sit and ponder that. I won’t look up my horoscope daily, but if I am reading a magazine I will check for it. I’ve a great memory for birthdays – whilst I am at it, I will check the horoscope for people I don’t like. I wouldn’t wish anyone bad. But I would wish them inconvenience or annoyance. In the interests of equality, I have written horoscopes for you all for this up coming month.
Aries: Don’t bother buying a lottery ticket this month. They will accidentally charge you twice and you won’t win a sausage.
Taurus: I will give you this as warning, but I would hate to ruin the surprise. At some point this month, a bird will shit on your head.
Gemini: Careful where you sit. You will end up with chewing gum stuck on the arse crack of your jeans. Good luck getting that one out, will take more than a bag of frozen peas.
Cancer: Everything will be mediocre.
Leo: You will go on Embarrassing Bodies, you will get it out and Dr Whatshisface will tell you unfortunately that is a rash you will be stuck with.
Virgo: You will have a wonderful birthday and a good hair day that will last you the whole month of September.
Libra: You will be really good but you will still gain 10lbs.
Scorpio: Everytime you watch The Simpsons, it will be a repeat. By the end of this month you will be able to quote the entire episode verbatim.
Sagittarius: Your umbrella will break just when you need it the most.
Capricorn: You will receive an above average number of backhanded compliments. You will not know what to think of these and you will be left feeling bewildered.
Aquarius: That taste is not going to go away no matter how much mouthwash you swig. Just accept it, this is you now.
Pisces: Just don’t bother.
There are so many more star signs than I realised. I sometimes wonder if my talents are wasted..
So there you go. The full fandango. It would have been essentially the same but just slightly less of it. It is ruined now. The game is over. If we were playing Monopoly I would have thrown the board upside down and I’d have turned on the telly. Not even watching it, staring at it, arms folded, eyeballs open. Bottom lip sticking out with petulance. I didn’t even want to play anyway.
Today I realised that I will never grow up. I’m not sure what it was really. Not really sure why I decided that.
So earlier on, there I was at my appointment with my dietitian. She was explaining (whilst gesticulating wildly with her hands) that you can get bananas in all manners of shapes and sizes. From teeny tiny to really quite extraordinary.
I did try.
I really did try.
I really, really did try to not laugh.
Do you ever feel like there is a much more stern, sensible version of you watching from above, shouting at you to grow up and stop seeing everything as an innuendo?!
WELL mine wasn’t shouting quite loud enough.
I laughed so hard I snorted.
I’m in Swindon this week looking after my godson. It feels like a teething period before I move to Wales next year.
We went swimming yesterday. I was feeling rather anxious about it since the last time I was in a swimming pool I had a low blood sugar, passed out and had to be fished out and fed a Mars bar by the poolside. It was at that point I abandoned all hopes and dreams about living a life that involved me maintaining any semblance of dignity.
I’ve been in Reading this weekend seeing my friend Steph. I spent today split between being sat in a hot tub, doing some painting and watching The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt*. Not all at the same time of course, multi tasking skills can only go so far with one set of arms and legs.
I also ate ribs out of a pizza box. Don’t judge me. You weren’t there man, you weren’t there. I felt like an animal.
* One day I’ll watch tee vee progs I won’t have to spell check the title of before I try and write them out. Or my spelling will improve.. Not sure which.