I’m not the superstitious type. Well I am like the non-superstitious, superstitious type. I’ll walk on three drains. I’ll do it. But I’ll be thinking “..ooh perhaps I shouldn’t have done that”. I will look at the time, it’s 11:11 – what could it mean?! Absolutely nothing. But I shall sit and ponder that. I won’t look up my horoscope daily, but if I am reading a magazine I will check for it. I’ve a great memory for birthdays – whilst I am at it, I will check the horoscope for people I don’t like. I wouldn’t wish anyone bad. But I would wish them inconvenience or annoyance. In the interests of equality, I have written horoscopes for you all for this up coming month.
Aries: Don’t bother buying a lottery ticket this month. They will accidentally charge you twice and you won’t win a sausage.
Taurus: I will give you this as warning, but I would hate to ruin the surprise. At some point this month, a bird will shit on your head.
Gemini: Careful where you sit. You will end up with chewing gum stuck on the arse crack of your jeans. Good luck getting that one out, will take more than a bag of frozen peas.
Cancer: Everything will be mediocre.
Leo: You will go on Embarrassing Bodies, you will get it out and Dr Whatshisface will tell you unfortunately that is a rash you will be stuck with.
Virgo: You will have a wonderful birthday and a good hair day that will last you the whole month of September.
Libra: You will be really good but you will still gain 10lbs.
Scorpio: Everytime you watch The Simpsons, it will be a repeat. By the end of this month you will be able to quote the entire episode verbatim.
Sagittarius: Your umbrella will break just when you need it the most.
Capricorn: You will receive an above average number of backhanded compliments. You will not know what to think of these and you will be left feeling bewildered.
Aquarius: That taste is not going to go away no matter how much mouthwash you swig. Just accept it, this is you now.
Pisces: Just don’t bother.
There are so many more star signs than I realised. I sometimes wonder if my talents are wasted..